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2 Conditions for Building a Happy Marriage

Published on Wednesday January 30th, 2019

The wedding was a very beautiful "Simcha" a joy, the young radiant couple was blessed by all the participants, the big day went wonderfully well....

And now where are the newlyweds? What are their feelings at the threshold of their life together? What are their apprehensions and especially what are they expecting from each other? When asking these questions to young people who are preparing for marriage, they generally answer what their expectations are: love, feeling, support, appreciation, respect and being pampered. As for themselves, they hope to make their spouse happy as best they can ... However, as Rav Dessler says, getting married is giving and giving again.

As soon as we try to take and receive, we begin to create problems and difficulties. In another context, Rav Dessler points out that the Torah ordains us 613 mitzvot, 613 duties towards Hashem and man. It is true that from these obligations will arise certain rights, but the texts of the Torah clearly speak of mitzvot, duties in all areas of life. On the other hand, human legislation enumerates the human rights and the society which surrounds us indoctrinates us to: know how to claim our rights. However, whereas civil laws keep changing and renewing themselves, it is those of the Torah that have endured. For one cannot build by being a taker, it is by giving that man asserts himself as a superior being.

This materializes more than ever in marriage, the miniature world created at each Chuppa. It is by giving that one will build one's home, and by seeking to know his religious and moral duties towards Hashem and his spouse. Then, as a natural consequence, everyone will enjoy what he has received, get closer to the other, seek to improve and give more.

However, there are some essential conditions to succeed in this great project.

1. First of all, you have to accept the other person as he is. Before marriage we had the choice, once this moment passes we must face all that comes with this decision. It is true that divorce is accepted by the Torah, but only when circumstances are unacceptable. Nowadays, it is very easy to turn to this solution, which seems to be the easiest way. But this often leaves parents and children unhappy for life. On the other hand, those who have understood that once married one must know how to accept each other, they carry out a work of reflection and middot that will iron out most of their difficulties.

2. The second basic condition for a happy marriage is that in order to build a home, and to weave the strong bond of marriage, a minimum of mutual availability is required.

In a society of "metro-work-sleep" there is no time to calm down in the "cozy nest" that should be the home. When man and woman do not return home until evening, exhausted by their work and travelling, they will find it difficult to build a serene and constructive relationship. A young couple must be able to find time every day to relax and be happy together. Too often people say: "we hardly see each other" or "in the evening I have only one desire; to go to sleep"... and young women often do not manage to maintain their home, and to prepare good meals, which is a basic necessity for a home. What should a person do, especially someone who lives in a busy city? First of all, to try to spend the first year, at least, in a calm and stable place far from the rush of big cities. Why not go straight to Israel, where the young groom can use this opportunity to spend a year studying Torah before starting 'real' life? We must look for a positive solution to this problem.

Finally, because we cannot express in just a few words all that is necessary for the building of a home, and given the number of warped and often non-Jewish ideas that have seeped into the personality of young people regarding the concept of marriage and family, it seems essential that some "reeducation" work be done in a path of Torah and truth. Only a sincere and upright reflection, based on processing the Divrei Torah can reform the minds of those who seek the truth.

May marriage be for everyone, a starting point to a happy and harmonious life in the spirit of the Torah HaKedosha and then all these couples will deserve to give birth to a generation of true Bnei Yisrael, worthy servants of Hashem.

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