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The Queen and Her Needs

Published on Wednesday June 5th, 2019

I would like to talk about an epidemic which affects many contemporary women. Even if you don’t feel personally concerned, it probably disturbs some of your girlfriends. I really feel this phenomenon is like the eleventh Egyptian plague. Many women today dare say: “I do not love my husband and find no pleasure in him”. Evidently, this is a very tough situation to live through because we all have a need to feel loved and express emotions.

I cannot hide the fact that a growing number of women frequently visit me in tears on this matter. The night of the Mikveh has become real physical and emotional torture. Each kiss and caress, meant to comfort us, has the opposite effect! It’s indescribable suffering affecting the deepest depths of our souls.

Of course, this state of affairs brings nefarious consequences to your daily life. After all, you are a woman with a need to be attractive and to be desired, so this situation makes you very vulnerable. When you fall into a state of utter vulnerability, the famous snake from Gan Eden comes to lure you with the sweet words you long to hear: the recipe for achieving the most coveted of sensations.

In short, the feeling of loving and being loved in return. However, I often ask myself the same question: “Where’s Hashem in all this? Could Hashem really put you under the Chuppah with a man whose mere touch feels like hell to you? Could the Almighty, who marvelously rules the world, have made a mistake?

When we speak about “Zivug Hagun”, it clearly relates to intimate relations, which lie at the foundation of the package deal named marriage.

So, where is this repetitive occurrence coming from? It isn’t a one-off case. Maybe it is something you are experiencing. Perhaps one of your girlfriends has confessed her sorrow to you.

One must know that a permitted relationship, based on mutual effort, is less attractive than the alluring forbidden fruits of extra-marital relationships, which are so tempting to human beings and human nature.

I can almost hear you saying: ‘No, not me”. Perhaps not at this point. You try to use self-control, knowing that extra-marital relations are a big no-no. But believe me, if Chava, the mother of humanity, succumbed, then let’s be humble and accept that this problem is as old as the world itself. If it happened 5779 years ago, we may wonder in all sincerity, what prompted Chava to listen and succumb to the snake?

She had everything a person can want, she was totally relaxed in the Garden of Eden, and yet….her imagination gave flight to the lint and made her believe something was lacking in her life. Something that Hashem was depriving her of. And she experienced a lack of satisfaction and a desire to have more and better.

This sensation of dissatisfaction overwhelms many of us today. In fact, the problem is always the same: it’s a question of Taavot (passions and desires). Because of our sensation of lack, we idealize greener pastures, which, according to our wild imagination, will fill the void inside ourselves. These ultimate idealizations manifest as the snake for Chava or lead a woman to believe she will find greater satisfaction with a colleague, a neighbor or her girlfriend’s husband.

Let’s not forget films, music, the media and women’s magazines, alcohol and drugs...the entire package called “recreation”, leading to the gates of hell. Why? Because substitutes will never replace the original. And succumbing to Taavot is an escape from reality to avoid building a solid couple. In so doing, we are turning our backs on Hashem in retaliation for the reality He set us up for!  

Possible solutions? Let’s start by avoiding the blame game and face our own responsibilities. Consciousness is the first step in every self-improvement endeavor. One must know that a feeling of lack stems from a disconnection from Hashem, one way or another.

Whoever feels connected to Hashem never feels a lack, a need or a desire, other than to come close to the Master of the Universe. The only avenue for strengthening this connection is Tefila, prayer. Only prayer can lead us to understand the origin of our lack. One ought to supplicate and implore Hashem patiently and continuously. With time, you will realize and feel that your alleged lack is more imagined than real, even if today you are ready to sign a waiver stating you have no feelings for your husband.

Remember: despair does not exist.

Rabbanite Yael TAIEB - © Torah-Box

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