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I am Single and I am only Introduced to Unfit Guys

Published on Monday May 27th, 2019

Question: "I'm 31 years old and single. So far, so good ... except that people in my circle keep “wonderful” introducing me with men that are unsuitable . "

And that's the problem: men I’m introduced to, are totally mismatched. I feel I am only meeting losers. Frankly, I'm far from conceited, but these men are totally out of line! I am not dreaming of prince charming. Even so, I feel those "well intentioned" people who organize dates are making fun of me. On more than one occasion, I was on the verge of tears and wanted to flee the date as quickly as possible, asking myself:  "How could she think this would be a proper match? She must have a very low opinion of me. Or else:" Does she really think I am that desperate? "

At some point, I even decided to decline going out on dates, but I was told back: "If you refuse to go on dates, you will never get married. It won’t happen unless you try."

However, these dates are so inappropriate they make me sad, much sadder than the idea of being single. Please help me. "

Our psychologist, Nathalie Seyman answers:

Choosing a spouse is the most complex choice in life. No only is one subject to social pressure, but women are prisoners of their biological clock. Clearly, you have to be fairly demanding to find a suitable match in your eyes and those of your inner circle.  But you must not wait until you reach an age that is considered too old to bear children. A real puzzle! And where are you in all this? What are your desires, your expectations, your ideals? What does your constant date dissatisfaction reveal? Let's analyze this together.

Free yourself from external pressures

Surrounding family, friends, shadchanim expect single people to find their better half, possibly before reaching their fateful thirties. Thereafter, singles become targets for well-reasoned remarks. And we must admit that being in a couple with the right person is wonderful. Facing life’s trials together, building a family and sharing everything. In short, building one’s life with a significant other. It's hard to be alone in a world where everything is designed for couples. But, despite the above, nobody has the right to choose for you! Only you know if you are ready to commit or not. Some marry young, others marry later. Everyone has his/her time and Mazal. You are the main protagonist of your life journey and story. So disregard the remarks. Hashem takes care of you, and that's the main thing. Others try to do well, but often do it clumsily. I can not repeat this enough: you are your first priority!

A requirement with meaning

The first thing to realize is that before meeting Mr. Right, we must meet a lot of Mr. Wrongs, those that we find unsuitable.  And this can range from a simple apathetic date to a deeply upsetting experience.

Next, according to your description, you might possibly be sabotaging these dates. And it is important to ask yourself the right questions to stop self-defeatment. Indeed, some singles use unreasonable demands as defense mechanisms. They fear being in a relationship, which is perceived as a danger to their psyche, simply because they are not ready. So their dissatisfaction serves as a shield. There may be several reasons for adopting this behavior. Bottom line, it is usually related to their personal history:

Some expect their partner to shower them with the love they were deprived from in childhood. They are only interested in what they can gain from the relationship and not on the potential partner. It is unlikely that those dates will succeed.

Many are reluctant to engage in a love story, because they are afraid it will end.

Some people so idealize the image of the couple’s relationship that they lose track of reality: they need to experience love at first sight, a strong attraction and chemistry during the first moments of the date. This behavior is often related to their "perfect" parental role models, which they feel (unconsciously), they cannot compete with. And this will prevent them from getting to know their date in a deeper way. Unfortunately, this attitude can make them ruin a viable potential partner, which they didn’t feel excited about to begin with.

Others prefer to avoid being in a couple due to bad past experiences.  

Some are afraid of love itself, which demands that we continuously question who we are or  what we believe we are. A partner may reflect back upon us an image of ourselves which we do not recognize However, it is sometimes reassuring to maintain a misconception rather than to question it.

All these obstacles can manifest unconsciously, or quite consciously. The best avenue is to confront them and try to attenuate them so we may be able to move forward and not miss our own Mazal.

My two cents of advice

Do not agree to go on dates that displease you, for you won’t cultivate a positive attitude before the meeting. Do not force yourself to please others. You have to feel ready.

Firstly, ask for information about the person before going on a date (photo, character, anecdotes, family, etc.).

Try to keep an open mind: smile, listen attentively, so that your date gives the best of himself confidently and without feeling judged.

Know how to differentiate the "perfect husband" from the "perfect husband for you". The first one does not exist. The second, Beezrat Hashem, you will spend your life with. So, keep your demands, but make sure they are constructive. Be what may, the Torah prohibits marriages that are not completely desired by both parties. It is therefore essential that we feel attracted to our future husband.. Take the time to choose the best for you.

But above all, keep your Emuna (faith in Gd). Only Hashem knows when to send you your Zivug. He has already designated him when you were born! And sometimes, some dates, even when they don’t go well, are part of the journey towards reaching your final goal.


Nathalie SEYMAN - © Torah-Box

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